November 2005. I separated from my husband as I believed I was gay. This was the hardest decision, the most selfish decision. One of the most important and honest choices I ever made for my own wellbeing.

How I got to this place in my life consisted of a number of events.

I like to think of them as road signs along my journey.

The most significant would have to be the repeated words that would be repeated over and over and over again when I received a Reiki healing from a dear friend. She would place her hands on my shoulders or my back and the words would come “please don’t let her know I am gay, please don’t let her know I am gay.”

I was married and had had two children. I could not be gay! Even if I was there was nothing I could do about it. I was a wife and mother. However the questions still remained. Deep down inside was Pandora box firmly closed until…

New Years eve a few years ago I met a gay couple, Mac and Lyn, through a mutual friend and we hit it off and became quite good friends and we got together whenever they came to town. Many drinks shared and many laughs were had. Still nothing said.

Seeing them together made the questions in my mind become louder and the lock on Pandora’s Box was becoming uncomfortably loose. This started to have an effect my emotional connection to my husband.

Each time I saw Mac and Lyn together I was envious and thought – that is the picture I have for myself – not the picture I am playing a part in now. Don’t get me wrong my husband was a wonderful man and a good father and provider but no longer the person I saw myself growing old with. A friend once said it was as though I was irritated by him. I was irritated by the situation I was stuck in and the feeling that I could not see an easy pain free way out.

Over time Mac and Lyn’s’ relationship came to an end and Mac continued to come to town to visit. I really wanted to talk to her about my big questions – “I think I am gay, what do I do now?”, “How do I know for certain?”, “What effect is this going to have on my family?” etc. So many questions and thoughts! I so wanted to discuss them with someone.

October 2005 – Angela my best and dearest friend (and my rock throughout this amongst many other unsteady times) went to Melbourne with me and stayed with Mac for a few days, on the second or third night Mac and I went for a walk and I eventually said it. “I think I am gay and have done for a while.”

She asked me how long I had thought that and I couldn’t really give her an answer. It is something that had always been there, either as a fleeting thought, a glance at an attractive woman or as a loud chanting voice depending on the situation.

Here I was sitting in a playground in the middle of the night verbalizing something I had never said to another living soul! It was frightening and liberating at the some time. I cried so much. I knew that if I was to do something about this announcement that my child and my husband were doing to be hurt. I was so nervous to actually say it out loud but equally so I felt a huge sense of relief that I was no longer carrying this secret all on my own anymore.

Part of me wanted to yell it out loud over and over again and part of me wanted to take it all back and pack it neatly back into Pandora’s box safe and sound where it could cause no damage to the people I care deeply about.

On our way home from Melbourne I cried and cried as I told Angela that I thought my marriage was in trouble. It was raining so hard that I could hardly see where I was driving, a good night for crying I thought. I was on my way home to tell my husband I wanted to separate.

I was so torn between the night thing to do for everyone else I loved and the right thing to do for myself who I had now learnt to love. The pain and angst was so intense and heavy on my chest. I still feel an ache in my chest as I write these words.

My questions and thoughts were varied:

How badly will this affect my daughter?

What friends will I loose?

What family will I loose?

Who will stop loving me?

How will this affect my career?

How will I cope only being a part time mother?

How would I manage financially?

So many questions so few answers at that point. I just knew that I had made this decision and that I would overcome any other obstacles, one step at a time. It was like my decision to leave my husband was a drop in a still pond and the ripples that were caused would bring with them good and difficult times.

I dropped Angela home and she said something to me “Jen before you go and tell him picture him with someone else… How does it make you feel?”

I thought for a moment and created that picture in my mind, I replied “as long as he is happy”

So I went home and sat on the couch and cried so hard I could hardly speak. I did not tell him I thought I was gay as I was unsure how he would feel. I felt it was enough for him to deal with that I wanted to separate. He was devastated and didn’t see it coming. I knew in time he would see that our marriage didn’t make us both truly happy.

The following week I had a conference to attend in Melbourne and I went to stay with Mac. We hung out spent time together and talked a lot about relationships. We offered each other support, company and comfort at a time in both of our lives when we were getting used to big changes in our lives.It was then that I felt an attraction unlike any other, this was the first time I had acknowledge my attraction to another woman. I thought I was falling in love, but was it with her or just the thought of being myself?

Over the following weeks I felt relief like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. A sense of empowerment and excitement for what my future may hold. But also a dark almost unbearable sense of fear, sadness and loss for the life I had left behind. The rollercoaster of emotions was intense and it was a ride I had to take to get to where I am today.

Over time I became more emotionally attached to Mac and in hindsight it was because she was my only link to the gay community and the lifestyle that I was yearning for and now could live. January 2006 was the last time I saw Mac and eventually we stopped talking except for the odd email or text message.

So I found myself - a single gay mother living in a rural Victorian city, no connections with the gay community what so ever – or so I thought… I struggled with this thought for sometime and worried that I was going to live the rest of my life unhappy and lonely. I felt that perhaps I would never meet a wonderful woman who I could share my life with. However it turned out that two great friends of mine both knew a gay couple, fancy that! There were more lesbians in this conservative little town in which I live! I was so excited and all I wanted to do was meet these people and get to know them. So in a round about way we were introduced. They were my saving grace. I was so excited when we started our friendship as knew from that day on I was going to be okay. I wasn’t going to live a life of isolation. I then had the opportunity to meet many people – how can I put it – with similar interests!

Back to the effect on my family....

My daughter was now living with me one week and my husband the next, which seems to be working for us now, but at first it was so bloody hard to be away from my baby girl! I missed her so much and every time she went to dads I felt like I grieved for her. Many tears we shed on my nights alone without my daughter. I thought I would never get used to not having her around. But I am proof that it does get easier and I am now used to only being with her every second week. My daughter is taking it all in her stride, she now has the sparkle back in her eye. I was so afraid she would lose it as her little heart got used to her family being different to how it had been. I have the best kid in the world, she is my strength and drive. I know that even though she struggled with her Dad and I separating she will know that her mum is happy and this in turn will insure her happiness. I also want her to grow up knowing that her feelings are important and that there is no expectation on her to remain in a relationship that does not make her completely happy and fulfilled. When the guilt of breaking up her family became too much I just repeated the words “happy mum, happy child”. A smart friend said that to me once.

Eventually I told my ex that I was gay. Unfortunately this happened over the telephone as I would much rather have told him face to face. He was searching for answers as to what he could have done differently to have saved our marriage. He thought I had cheated on him, I hadn’t physically but emotionally and in my thoughts I felt as though I had deceived and betrayed him unintentionally.

I remember telling people the reason I left was because “I think I am gay” as I felt that until I had been intimate with a woman I would not truly know if I was gay. But the little voice inside my head would say “yes you are”. I felt I had turned my daughters world upside down and was anxious that it may have been based on something that was actually not true.

Anyway back to the social scene… during my journey so far, I have made some wonderful friends who I can count on to be there for me and my daughter if I ever need them in anyway. For this I am truly thankful as there was the risk of losing many friends as I came out. From what I hear that is not the way of all gay communities but in my experience everyone wanted to make the “newbie” such as myself feel welcome, safe and supported during my coming-out journey and beyond.

My ex-husband now has someone special in his life, as do I. I am at a point in my life journey where I can look back at the road I have traveled and know the choice I made to be true to my nature, as traumatic as it was for my daughter, ex-husband and myself, was made for all the right reasons and was worth the pain and tears.

For now I am truly myself and the missing pieces that prevented me from being a whole person are now in place.

I am complete…

and the journey continues…

J (Warrnambool)- April 2006